Memoranda

To: Crazy Bay Area environmental lobbyist on the phone
From: Harried legislative director
Re: Slow your roll

So, let me get this straight. You've tried for six consecutive years to get a bill through the Legislature and have failed. You have a sense that the sixth time will not be the charm and are calling offices to try to shore up votes. I'm with you so far.

Your strategic error, may I be so bold to say, was when you told me that I was a "personal disappointment" to you when I shared that I didn't think my boss agreed with your position or your bill. You need to get through me to communicate to my boss what your concerns are; insulting me personally when I have a policy difference with you (a difference that the majority of lawmakers have shared for six years) is not perhaps the best political strategy.

To: Secretary in the elevator
From: More prim and proper than I thought
Re: Cover yourself

I get it's the last day of session. I get that it's hot. I get that we're going to be here a long freaking time and it sucks to to be stuck in uncomfortable office wear.

But, hey -- clothes! That are opaque! And cover all your erogenous zones! We won't even talk about what's appropriate for the Capitol vs. what you'd wear to a picnic or to wash the car.

I think a good operating principle would be that if both your panties and your bra are visible, you're not quite done getting dressed. Just saying.

To: Tourists visiting the Capitol today
From: Someone who truly enjoys working for taxpayers
Re: Please, please let me get past you

I know you're not here all the time. I know you don't understand that this is the busiest of days for us, that literally hundreds of things are happening at once, and that while, yes, absolutely, this is your building, it's also our office.

We're glad you're here. We hope you see how hard we work, how much we care about what we're doing, how intensely committed we are to a better state, better education, better roads and air and even better football stadiums. And -- the fact that you're here on today of all days is really a good thing.

But please -- PLEASE. If you see someone in serious office wear, her arms full of binders and folders and clutching a BlackBerry and several pens, literally running in high heels -- could you just step aside a little to let her pass? Please? You're on vacation or at least a Friday off work. Will that 15 seconds really mean as much to you as it does to her as she's trying to get to the floor or committee or Leg Counsel or where ever? And, one more thing -- if you could manage not to roll your eyes and/or say something crappy about politicians/Democrats/how we're all thieves or crooks, that would be the icing on the cake.

Have a pleasant stay.