Memoranda

To: The lady in the Mercedes next to me in traffic
Re: Inquiring minds want to know

It took me a minute to notice your idiosyncrasy, given the light change and heavy traffic that I was managing. I did see your perfectly waxed car, immaculate coif and fancy oversized sunglasses.

It wasn't until our cars were side by side and you wanted to merge into my lane that I spied them -- your fingernails. They were -- something. At least three inches long, polished shiny red and curling around the steering wheel.

I'm left asking myself: how do you make beds? Change diapers? Get dressed? Or (dare I say it) potty?


To: Sorority girl jogging in Capitol Park
Re: Cuteness on parade

How adorable are you, in the first place, with your perfect Abercrombie workout wear and perky ponytail and complete lack of visible sweat or exertion as you smilingly prance through your daily runs? Pretty adorable. I don't look that good when I'm not exercising.

The fact that you bring your chihuahua with you, using a leash that looks like dental floss due to his tininess, and that his little sweater always matches whatever you're wearing is just the icing on the cake. And you both look so happy out there, bouncing along. You make my mornings when I'm lucky enough to catch a glimpse.


To: Able-bodied drivers who hog handicapped parking spaces
Re: It's not all about you

Your need to run into Safeway or Blockbuster for a few minutes justifies taking up a handicapped parking space? Or, somehow, if you leave your car running with someone sitting in the passenger seat while parked there, it's not as bad in your mind? Seriously?

I rarely think to myself "Where's a cop when you need one?" but your parking pigginess makes me want to effect a citizen's arrest. You are behaving abominably. And criminally. And yes, I know there are other, actual crimes out there to get worked up about, but your selfishness is really irritating.